Nearly one year later, I’m writing here again! Four posts, and three layout changes later, I’m here to try to breathe life back into my blog. And I’m still not totally happy with the layout, so we’ll just have to see what happens. Did you know you had to pay $100 a year to gain access to customizing? Ugh. This font is too big.
That brings me to why I haven’t been keeping this page up to date. I get distracted easily, and things like the layout not being perfect gets me off track. So, I spend my time trying to fix it and never get around to writing anything. I’m hoping I can work on focusing more and not being afraid of my poor writing skills and rambling thoughts.
I was looking at some blogs by other photographers today and realized that the ones that really stuck with me were honest. I often feel like I need to portray a perfectly dress-up persona of a happy, confident photographer who knows exactly what she’s doing and has advice to share with others. Well, I don’t. I am only just finding any confidence in my work, and finding happiness. And I’m going to be honest about that. I have many fears about my work and career and my weird people skills. I can’t pretend I’m accomplished or that I’ve totally done this before, so don’t worry about it. I’m figuring things out one at a time.
Since I was pretty young, middle school age, I have had struggles with depression. I didn’t know what to call it, or what to do about it, but basically I just thought I was a broken person and I could never relate to people. In college, I started taking an anti-depressant, and it got me through a hard time, although I stopped because the emotional dullness set in and instead of just not feeling sadness and loss, I felt nothing. Since then, I hadn’t taken any other medications. I returned to thinking there was just something inherently wrong with me and it was all in my power to change things. People say, “Choose happiness!” but that’s not an option when you are depressed. Depression isn’t something you choose.
Anyway, I’m not here to preach about depression. But, I want to be honest. Personal problems is one of those things professionals don’t seem to want to talk about. Maybe I’m not as professional as I should be, but really I’m just human. I have depression, and asthma, and fear and I’m not going to pretend I don’t. I think we’re all here to grow and learn from each other, and we can’t do that if we’re hiding. No, I’m not about to talk to everyone about everything that’s going on with me, but when something big moves in my heart I want to express that!
I started taking a different anti-depressant about a month ago, and I am still in awe of the world! I am so excited to begin feeling again. I knew I should be happy before. I felt guilt from the knowledge of happiness but not feeling it in my heart. But now, my heart lives! And this is wonderful for my work. I find things beautiful and wonderful and astounding! I don’t feel (as much) guilt from not working as much as I probably should. Instead, I feel more exciting to be shooting more and taking on projects. This is why I don’t want to keep this to myself. I haven’t felt like this since I was very young, and I am so thrilled to be living my life.
My goal for this year is to create a well-rounded portfolio. I have an over-abundance of baked goods in my repertoire, so I’m going to make a big effort to fill in the gaps. Meat, fruit, veggies, raw foods… I have a lot to learn! And I have a lot of creative people around me to help me with my projects.
Until next year!
(haha, just kidding. Hopefully)